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More about keeping secrets...

This was an exchange in the comments on an earlier post that I decided to excerpt with mild edits and promote to the main stream, both so I can more easily find it later, and because I'm curious what others have to say about it.

there are a lot of true things that [don't get stated]. Things like...
- my boss told me not to accept less than Proposal X, but not to be a bully about it
- I owe person A a favor, so I'm looking for opportunities to pay that off here
- Person B has a grating voice and whatever they propose I will shoot down, because I don't want to have to listen to them any more than minimally necessary
- Proposal Y triggers deep childhood trauma for me
- I already know that the boss' boss will not accept Proposal Z, because Person C told me when we got too drunk at the Friday afternoon bull session and ended up making out in the closet, but I feel very guilty about that whole episode and am afraid if I mention it, everyone will demand to know how I know and I won't be able to lie convincingly
- I'm having trouble with my bowels today, so my patience is growing shorter and shorter


My own preference is to say "my boss is not going to accept proposal Y", or "I agree with person A", or "I'm really sorry, I'm finding it very difficult to understand person B; could someone else repeat that?" or "I'm sorry, I can't think straight about this proposal; I have to opt out of this part of the discussion," or "I can't really discuss how I know this, but I know that proposal Z won't fly with Grandboss," or "I'm sorry, I am not ready to have this discussion right now, can we reschedule?" etc.

And I prefer working with people who do the same. But I have come to accept that in reality, most people don't. I think that's unfortunate, but I accept that it's reality.

Another example:
- Department 2 is trying to expand their territory and getting Proposal K chosen is part of that plan, which Department 3 will block if they know about it, because of long-standing rivalry between their management

This one is a little special, because I don't see a way to achieve my goals without lying about my motives. What I do in that situation is unclear to me; it depends on other factors.

My preference is to talk to my management about the inefficiencies that their longstanding rivalry is introducing into our organization, and ways to resolve that rivalry in a more productive way. That doesn't help address the current situation, but over time would make things less and less tangled.

And again, I accept that other people don't work that way.


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